My journey as an artist - Part I: The allure of Hollywood.

Performing “Barbie Girl”

(Wallarano Primary School Play, 2002)

The allure of Hollywood began calling to me when I was around 8 years old. My father had passed the year before, and I was spending a lot of time alone. Mum was of course the sole provider now, most of my siblings had moved out, and the ones that remained I did not feel very connected to. I felt very alone in trying to navigate the confusing experience of being a child with a deceased parent.

I did not feel like I had someone I felt comfortable to be vulnerable with or even just really express myself fully in general. I longed for someone I could share all my many thoughts, insights, and observations with about day-to-day life, because I was always noticing so many patterns in my surroundings and the behaviours of people.

So, in my child’s mind, I drummed up this dream that perhaps I could be famous one day, sitting on the couch getting interviewed by Oprah, having a platform that could ensure a feeling of significance and validation when I expressed myself and my insights. Subconsciously a seed was planted: “Being a famous performer = being heard, seen and loved.” I wanted to matter, the way my idols mattered to me and masses of people.

Now who were my idols? Maybe this was a bit of a paradox, but I was a young Mormon girl who was drawn to strong, sexy, and commanding female energies like Britney Spears, Beyonce, Shakira, Rihanna. I loved the way these women danced and moved with a prowess and like they were connected to this other frequency of power, freedom, and autonomy - at least that is how I was interpreting it. I wanted to be like them when I grew up - confident, strong, and beautiful with some fly dance moves - the opposite of how I felt at times when I was young, awkward, and invisible.

In my “Modest is hottest” attire.

(LDS Temple Laie, Hawaii, 2011)

Fast forward to 2012 I was 21 and studying at Brigham Young University Hawaii – a Mormon college.  I uploaded a video to YouTube wishing Rihanna a Happy 24th birthday while dancing around to her risqué track “Cake”. This landed me in the honour code office where I was counselled by a lovely elderly missionary couple. They were impressed with my creativity, and admired my honesty in where I stood with the church – as I was frank in letting them know I no longer believed in or followed the teachings of the church (I had been living a double life for about 6 months). They kindly advised me to withdraw, as it was certain I would be dismissed from the institution once this was taken to the board.  

Infamous “Cake” Set

(Abandoned building, Laie, 2012)

Not long after leaving Mormonism and BYU-H, I went to Hollywood for a couple of long-term stays. What drew me there was wanting to be a performer, but what kept me hooked was essentially the endless VIP party Hollywood felt like for me. Drinking and partying was a common escape for many socially anxious millennials coming of age and finding themselves, but add to the mix the drug of FINALLY feeling “cool” (whatever that means), seen, desirable, partying with the rich and famous, and believing your dreams could be handed to you on a platter at any minute - It was an intoxicating hype and incredible vice for a girl like me who had complexes and voids that this soothed, on the surface.

As epic as Hollywood was, it was riddled with smoke & mirrors, and full of illusions. Yes, I was in those VIP environments, but I was not really a “somebody” just because I was at the same party as Rihanna - truthfully, I was not allowed to approach her.  And given that it was a party environment, I was surrounded by a lot of disingenuous people who did not care for my wellbeing, would step on me at any moment if it benefited them – since everyone is trying to “make it” or at least seem like they have. On its darker side, Hollywood was an environment that tended to exploit young and naïve girls, far away from home, chasing dreams. And I did experience a lot of traumatic things in my time there.

I clung to it longer than I should have though, because again I was caught up in the thrill of feeling like I was living an epic life, and things back home, down under just seemed too regular and mediocre to me at the time. I also just felt like I could be more of my fabulous Beyonce, Rihanna, Shakira inspired self – because Hollywood celebrates women flaunting their confidence, fashion, and beauty.

One day in Hollywood, not long before it all came crashing down on me, I was at a celebrity producers house party. I asked if I could sing for him, and he said he hates when people do that while he is just chilling. He mentioned that it did not matter if I sounded like Whitney Houston, it would not make me an artist. He was saying how if you do not have your own music, brand and developed sound as an artist to show for it, then there is no point.

Maybe it was a little harsh, but it was the wake up call I needed to realize something you would think was obvious – to be considered a music artist, I had to…MAKE MUSIC! Go figure! I could not just party and hope to bump into someone that would “discover” and save me, and make my dreams come true. I had to do it for myself!  

Hollywood Boulevard.

(Walk of fame Stars)

You see, I suppose I came at this dream a little flawed. I was subconsciously drawn to it to compensate for certain voids in my life and to replicate the energy of some of my inspirations – Not to say I didn’t have any natural talent or I was wrong to pursue this dream and the idea of being an artist – but at that point, I hadn’t developed my craft or put in the “10,000 hours” when it came to vocal training, songwriting, vocal arranging, music theory, live performances and actually finding my sound and message as an artist.

After the thrill chasing Hollywood life brought me to a rock bottom in August 2015, I then had a Spiritual awakening. With a new found empowerment, positivity, purpose, and hope, I moved back to Melbourne and began pursuing this dream fully for the first time. I had now read “The Secret” and was super keen on manifesting my dream life. I had no idea what I was doing. No musical mentor, no vocal training, no connections to the music industry – just a girl with a dream and a belief in herself, thinking that would be enough to make this all a magically smooth successful endeavor.

 But alas, it was only the beginning of a very strenuous and expensive path with many learning curves. Either way, I am proud of my brave little self for just GOING FOR IT as a rookie, all by myself.

In part 2, I’ll discuss more about my journey since officially launching as an artist in 2016 and finding my sound and way from there until now.